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The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection Paperback – Illustrated, July 17, 2014

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 297 ratings

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What does loneliness tell us?"Be it chronic or acute, slight or significant, loneliness is proof of our relational design. At the core of our being is this truth―we are designed for and defined by our relationships," former pastors Plass and Cofield write. "We were born with a relentless longing to participate in the lives of others. Fundamentally, we are relational souls."Our ability to make deep and emotionally satisfying connections rests on the capacity to trust, and we all know trust can be difficult. Early-life relational "programming" and patterns of attachment can serve as blueprints for relationships later in life, whether good or bad. But no matter our conditioning, God is out to reclaim and restructure the deepest terrain of the human soul by helping us shed our reactive "False Self" and put on our receptive "True Self." Through spiritual disciplines and a conscious participation in the love of the Father, Son and Spirit, we transform our self-awareness and our connection with other people.Authored by counselor Dr. Richard Plass and spiritual director James Cofield, The Relational Soul brings together concepts from psychology and spiritual formation. Each chapter includes introductory stories and practical "If this is true, what about you?" questions to help readers engage in relationships in more life-giving ways. When the presence of Christ and community connects with a soul that is open, we witness the miracle of transformation.

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Editorial Reviews

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"Relational Soul teaches us how to be present to God and present to others―in our marriages, in our homes, in our ministries and in our entire lives. Plass and Cofield blaze a trail, not only for pastors and leaders who are beat-up and burned out, but for all followers of Christ to rediscover their first love. This book is an effective tool to help guide and direct us back to the soul-changing good news found in Jesus Christ. I'm personally thankful for these two gospel wizards, Plass and Cofield, and the gospel magic that they perform. Their fresh insights and encouragements are hope for us all." -- Daniel Montgomery, pastor, Sojourn Community Church

"You are holding in your hands more than a book. Richard Plass and James Cofield have given us a roadmap to help us find the way to each other and to the heart of God. Beautifully written, masterfully developed and applicable for those who want true community but have not tasted it yet, this book helps us find our way to each other in an age of isolation, loneliness and existence in silos where we survive but we do not thrive. Here's to thriving!" -- Stephen W. Smith, Potter's Inn Ministry, author of The Lazarus Life

"Jim Cofield and Rich Plass are a gift to the church. These men and the content in this book were God's means to save my life and ministry after severe burnout. Drawing on the riches of God's common grace and special grace, The Relational Soul provides what is lacking in much of modern spiritual formation. Your soul will be better off if you take seriously the content of these pages." -- Harvey Turner, Living Stones Church, and network director of Acts 29 West

"Richard Plass and James Cofield's The Relational Soul is an engaging explication of the fact that as humans we are created in the image of a trinitarian God who exists in a loving, relational community. It is also a needed reminder of how people are both hurt and healed through the relational fabric of existence." -- Gary W. Moon, executive director of the Dallas Willard Center, Westmont College, and author of Apprenticeship with Jesus

"The Relational Soul provides real insight into why relationships are so essential, and yet often so aching. Coauthors Plass and Cofield provide practical helps for self-discovery and communion with God that will deepen your relationships with God and others. Hope and help for healing is here!" -- Mindy Caliguire, Willow Creek Association

"In a culture where keystrokes are being confused for relationships, Jim and Rich provide an insightful look at how God created us for real connection that begins with our souls. We have been the beneficiaries of wisdom, spiritual direction and relational clarity from a long friendship with Jim and Rich and are delighted to now have their wisdom captured in this book. If you long to grow in the art of self-care, deepened relationships with others and intimacy with God, this book is for you." -- Jeff and Lora Helton, coauthors of The Fifty Fridays Marriage Challenge

"I found Jim and Rich's work in The Relational Soul to be both provocative and encouraging. It elicited a deep longing to know myself better and connect in life-giving relationships with others, especially God. Jim and Rich have awakened a desire for this 'narrow way' of profound relational connection. I'm grateful! -- Dave Rodriguez, senior pastor, Grace Church, Noblesville, Indiana

"What a joy to read this distillation of the union of two lifetimes of journeying with Christ into greater communion with God and others. Whether we are aware of it or not, we spend the early phase of our adulthood seeking to conform our worlds to the template of our earliest attachments and the self we became in those relationships. Rich and Jim have engagingly described how relational renewal in Christ can change that template, as we learn how to trust him to make us the kind of people who can receive it." -- Eric L. Johnson, Professor of Pastoral Care, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary

"There are far too many books, both secular and spiritual, for 'coached' living. Finally, Plass and Cofield have penned the needed depth in who and what we are to face ourselves before God―thus allowing God's full, redemptive grace to be what it should in our relationships. The stories are real, the writing terse and piercing. My humble counsel is get it, read it, mark it up, use it and pass it on―if you can let it go―because you will want to refer to this time and time again. It's that good." -- M. L. Hillard, senior vice president, Peter F. Drucker Academy, Beijing

"Blending biblical and psychological insight, Plass and Cofield offer guidance on building (or rebuilding) our relational capacities, while sharing the good news that we worship an inherently relational God." -- Christianity Today, September 2014

"I am delighted that Rich has (at long last) put his considerable wisdom into a book. His understanding of relationships has brought me significant help. Rich and Jim call themselves 'wounded writers.' As such they are the best kind of guides for teaching us about vulnerability and connection. Their biblical and psychological integration creates hope for wholeness and health." -- Adele Calhoun, author of The Spiritual Disciplines Handbook and Invitations from God

"Our souls long for the help offered in these pages: learning how to connect the dots for developing an integrated and permeable soul based on our truest relationship with the triune God of love and a deeply trusting quality of relationships with others. I highly recommend reading and reflecting on this life-giving content offered by two trustworthy professionals. You will dog-ear many pages to reference in your personal journey toward genuine transformation." -- Stephen Macchia, president of Leadership Transformations, author of Crafting a Rule of Life

"The Relational Soul is a practical book on spirituality, counseling, community, the long, difficult road of personal transformation, all grounded in a compelling Trinitarian theology. That's a lot for anyone to accomplish in a single book, and the authors do it uncommonly well." -- Peter Leithart, First Things, August 18, 2014

"Plass and Cofield extend this insight to the church community, showing how it can be a source of spiritual healing. They also show how to be alone with God in a way that changes perspectives. . . . Recommended for pastoral counselors or anyone ministering to spiritually disconnected Christians." -- Gerald Wisz, CBA Retailers + Resources, September 2014

"This book is an informative, enjoyable, and motivating guide for readers who wish to experience deeper transformation. The authors are skillful story-tellers, describing real-life examples of people whose stories demonstrate the relational nature of the soul and how it is both wounded and healed in relationship with God and others. Plass and Cofield also earn readers' trust by offering personal vignettes that transparently reveal their own struggles and successes. Woven throughout the book, these stories are interesting and touching case studies that not only draw the reader into the exposition and serve to illustrate the main points, but that also inspire and persuade." -- Brett Vaden, Christian Psychology, Vol 8-2 2016

"The Relational Soul brings together concepts from psychology and spiritual formation to help readers engage in relationships in more life-giving ways." -- Light Magazine Canada, September 2014

"Most of us have only a vague understanding of false patterns of relating and how we might move to life giving, true-self patterns. This biblically sound, psychologically astute, and spiritually enriching book will challenge and inform those who intentionally commit to the challenging task of healthy relating. This is a book that should not be read once and set on a shelf to collect dust. Rather, it should be revisited as a reliable guide to the lifelong process of Christ-like ways of inter-personal connecting." -- Bruce Demarest, Journal of Spiritual Formation Soul Care, Spring 2015, Vol. 8, No. 1

"Richard Plass and James Cofield have written an excellent volume regarding how the soul is geared for greater communion with others. . . . This work is highly recommended for pastoral libraries and especially adult faith-sharing groups seeking to form greater communities." -- Robert P. Russo, Catholic Library World, Volume 85, No. 4

Review

"Our souls long for the help offered in these pages: learning how to connect the dots for developing an integrated and permeable soul based on our truest relationship with the triune God of love and a deeply trusting quality of relationships with others. I highly recommend reading and reflecting on this life-giving content offered by two trustworthy professionals. You will dog-ear many pages to reference in your personal journey toward genuine transformation."

-- Stephen Macchia, president of Leadership Transformations, author of Crafting a Rule of Life

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0830835873
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ IVP; Illustrated edition (July 17, 2014)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 189 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780830835874
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0830835874
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 297 ratings

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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on April 8, 2015
    The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection (2014, IVP) by Richard Plass and James Cofield is gold. Previously, I have been honored to include each of their submissions in the newsletter I edit for the Society for Christian Psychology, but even knowing a modest amount about their work, this book far exceeded my expectations.

    The Relational Soul, as I had hoped, deals with the importance of relationships in human well-being. Drawing upon work in the fields of attachment and interpersonal neurobiology, Plass and Cofield show their readers why relationships are essential to functioning. In fact, on page 15 they wrote, "All reality is relational." I tend to agree with them, knowing that we are created in the image of the triune Godhead.

    I appreciated a great deal about this book. Chapter 3, which deals with the importance of implicit memory with regard to early attachment and relational formation. Too often, it seems to me that much of American Christianity deals with the logical aspects of faith and life and downplays the emotional/relational aspects. The authors encourage their readers to think about both.

    As they move on, they spend a lot of time exploring the notion of our false self versus our true self, which reminds me of Larry Crabb's discussions of mask wearing. Relational formation can only occur when we learn to recognize our false selves and grow into our true selves.

    The final section I would mention is chapter 8, which deals with community. I do not think it is much of an exaggeration to claim that I underlined half of the chapter. Each paragraph in the chapter on community could stand alone as worth pondering deeply.

    If you seek to understand yourself and your relationships on a deeper level, this is the book for you. Fans of authors like Larry Crabb, Curt Thompson, or Dan Siegel are sure to benefit from this book. But if you want to borrow my copy, you may have to wait awhile, there are things I want to read again.
    5 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on October 28, 2014
    This is a book that I will immediately read again. Despite telling myself over and over again to slow down, some books are so stimulating, so helpful, that they’re hard to read slowly the first time through. But this is a book to read slowly and thoughtfully and I will do that . . . the second time through. One of the things I liked about the book is that, although I have studied the Enneagram for years and have read a number of the books they suggest for further reading, I struggle to synthesize it. The authors did that for me in this book. However, that’s not to suggest there is nothing original in the book. Quite to the contrary. I found myself continually highlighting a sentence here, an entire paragraph there, of insights, gems really, that I have never read anywhere else. I know I will be rereading and soaking in those comments in the months to come. The stories they tell of ones they’ve worked with, dear people struggling with significant issues but who find significant help, add so much to the book.

    As a counselor who loves spiritual direction and who is always thinking of and reading about how people change, I find this book an exceptional entry in furthering the conversation. I know it is going to be very helpful to me in my work with clients as well as, and especially in, my understanding and personal growth. You can be sure I will be recommending this book to others on my staff and the counselors I supervise. The questions at the end of each chapter are extremely helpful for personal understanding and growth as well as for teaching the book and using it in a small group or Sunday School class.

    If you want to understand your story, who you are and why you do the things you do, and the ways you struggle, read this book. If you want to clear away some things that get in the way of loving God and others more fully, read this book.
    8 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on June 23, 2016
    Occasionally I read a book that I continue to refer back to over and over again to mine gems of wisdom and insights that I may have overlooked previously. The Relational Soul is one book that continues to provide insight into how I relate to the world around me, how I relate to God and how others relate to me. The book shows how relational patterns that form early in our lives can impact relationships throughout our lives both positively and negatively and then offers context to relate to others in a truly meaningful way. It is a book that will lead the reader form a reactive false-self way of relating to the world to a receptive true-self way of relating.

    This is a book I would recommend to everyone since we all have relationships throughout our lives. While there are many books written on niche’s of relationships there is not too many this impactful that can be applied to every relationship we have. Insights from this book I find myself applying to leadership, marriage, parenting, friends, coworkers and normal every day relationships with people around me.
    3 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

  • L J K
    5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
    Reviewed in Canada on June 7, 2017
    A must read! If you do what this book says, your life and relationship with God will definitely change.
  • Andy
    3.0 out of 5 stars Helpful but flawed
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 2, 2017
    Promised much and has some good insights, but I could help thinking that the New Testament doesn't seem to go have the same approach and wanted greater explanation of why the author's approach was correct in the light of this.
  • Phyllis Sanftleben
    5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
    Reviewed in Canada on September 15, 2014
    Awesome book