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Is It My Fault?: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence. Paperback – May 1, 2014

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 96 ratings

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Is It My Fault? is a message of hope and healing to victims who know too well the depths of destruction and the overwhelming reality of domestic violence.
At least one in every three women have been beaten, coerced into sex, or abused in their lifetime. The effects of domestic violence are physical, social, emotional, psychological, and spiritual, and can have long-lasting distressing consequences. It is common for victims of domestic violence to suffer from ongoing depression and recurring nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, substance abuse, and more.
Is It My Fault? addresses the abysmal issue of domestic violence with the powerful and transforming biblical message of grace and redemption. It deals with this devastating problem and sin honestly and directly without hiding its prevalence today.
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Is It My Fault? is a must read for all involved in or have been involved in domestic abuse. Being yourself or someone you know, this book helps one to have a better understanding about abuse. I wish I had this book handy when I was in my first marriage. Even though that relationship has been over for over a decade now, I now see how much danger I was in. I would definitely recommend this book for all of those in an abusive relationship. Including teenagers, those in a same sex relationship, and friends and family of the abused. - Amy

Review

“This book is a tour de force of wisdom, goodness, and compassion for those who know the agony and shame of domestic violence and for every leader who interacts with more than four families in a year. One out of every four homes in America will experience domestic abuse and it is no different in the church than in the so-called secular world. In fact, conservative Christians are more likely to remain in violence and think it is biblical. This treasure of a book invites the reader into a sweeping and life giving understanding of the Bible’s view of women, violence, suffering, and redemption that if embraced would radically alter how victims and care givers address this heartache. This is a must-read book.”

Dan B. Allender, Professor of Counseling Psychology and founding president of the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology

“Specific, tender, concrete, compassionate, bold, understanding, wise, and dyed with the gorgeous gospel of grace that is ours in Christ Jesus. I love this book! It unpacks the experience of the victim without ever feeling coldly analytical. It gives you important things to consider and clear steps to take without ever pushing you. Read it and you’ll feel loved, understood, and helped, but best of all you’ll rest in the love of Jesus more than you have before.”

Paul Tripp, President of Paul Tripp Ministries; executive director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas; and author of A Shelter in the Time of Storm: Meditations on God and Trouble

“The authors’ deeply compassionate writing offers us a book that does not merely speak to us, it comes along beside us—offering both experience and in-depth knowledge about this emotionally charged subject. Too often the church has been not merely been silent but complicit in protecting abusers and marginalizing victims. Justin and Lindsey’s book takes us in a new direction of hope, healing, and mercy. I am more than happy to commend this book.”

Gregory O. Brewer, Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Central Florida

“Domestic abuse is an area where sincere but uninformed ‘help’ can hurt. Unfortunately, even the misuse of Scripture, often by well-meaning Christians, can become part of the problem. Justin and Lindsey serve the church well by defining what abuse is, what Scripture says, how victims should respond, and how pastor-counselors can be effectively involved. This is a must-read for pastors, victims, and friends of victims. This issue is too prevalent and devastating to be ignored. The blind eye of the church hurts those without a voice. Read this book and become equipped to effectively care for those whose cry is reaching the ear of God and are waiting for a hand from the body of Christ.”

Brad Hambrick, Pastor of counseling at The Summit Church (Durham, NC) and author of Self-Centered Spouse: Help for Chronically Broken Marriages

“This is it. This is the book on domestic violence that needs to be sitting on every pastor’s desk, required reading for every seminarian, and the next book discussed among church leadership, in book clubs, Bible studies, home groups, and lay counselor trainings. Not only do Justin and Lindsey compassionately and responsibly define domestic violence, identify its signs, its cycles, and its effects on the victims and their communities, they take us to Scripture to reveal God’s heart for those unnecessarily afflicted and trapped in violent domestic relationships. Each person who reads this book will have a better understanding of how to identify domestic violence in their own relationships or in those of people they know, love, and minister to. And with a thorough appendix of practical information and steps to take, both the victims and the ones supporting them will gain the insight and clarity they need to prevent the violence from happening again.”

Monica Taffinder, Cofounder and counselor, Grace Clinic Christian Counseling

“While reading this book I found myself regularly exclaiming ‘Amen!’ and ‘Come on!’ to Lindsey and Justin’s wisdom and biblical understanding of the issues. This book is a valuable and important resource for Christian women who have experienced abuse and for all those who want to support them. Lindsey and Justin invite the Christian community to honor and value women and children and to no longer collude with, perpetuate, or indeed perpetrate abuse against those whom God has created. I have been looking for a book to recommend to women in the conservative Christian church and their supporters; this book is ideal.”

Natalie Collins, Activist working to end violence against women and gender injustice; founder of the DAY Programme and Spark

“In simple, eloquent prose, Justin and Lindsey Holcomb shine a light on the darkness surrounding domestic violence. As detailed in the accounts of survivors, the very husbands and fathers charged with the care of their families sometimes represent the greatest threat. Equally troublesome, many clergy and church leaders routinely support offenders and ostracize victims. In making clear that God stands with the suffering, this book offers survivors a path to healing and the church a path to reform.”

Victor Vieth, Executive Director, National Child Protection Training Center; child protection attorney; author

“Justin and Lindsey have done it again! Their book on sexual abuse, Rid My Disgrace, and now this one, Is It My Fault?, are gifts to the church, its leaders, and especially to those who suffer from the horror and pain of sexual assault and domestic violence. In this book you will find compassionate, practical, biblical, and grace-based help for those who suffer and for those who love and want to help those who suffer. If you are a pastor or a leader and care, this is not an optional book. You will ‘rise up and call’ Justin and Lindsey blessed for writing it . . . and, more important, those to whom you minister will, too.”

Steve Brown, Host, Key Life Radio Program; author, Three Free Sins: God Isn’t Mad At You

“Domestic violence demands silence—perpetrators don’t want to be exposed, and victims are too ashamed to speak. Justin and Lindsey counter that silence with words and deeds. They give words to describe it, words to speak to the Lord, words that remind us of the truth, such as ‘It is never my fault’ and ‘He [God] delights in us,’ and deeds that can bring the violence to an end.”

Ed Welch. Counselor and Faculty, the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation; author

“The roots of domestic violence and the resulting wounds and scars are deep and enduring. So I am very grateful for the wisdom and expertise of Justin and Lindsey Holcomb in helping the church understand and apply the biblical requirements of justice and accountability and the biblical promises of healing and hope. The Holcombs’ work is a gift from God to all of us and a valuable ministry of Christ’s restorative gospel for those who have suffered great harm.”

Jared Wilson, Pastor of Middletown Springs Community Church and author of Gospel Wakefulness

“One of every four women you know has or will face intimate partner violence. What does the God of Scripture say to them? In this rich and rare resource, Justin and Lindsey Holcomb combine their theological and practical training to offer these women a way out of both abuse and the shame and despair that accompany it. They show powerfully how the ‘one-way violence’ of abusers is overcome by the ‘one-way love’ of God in Christ. I recommend this book to every church leader looking for a truly Christ-centered response to domestic violence in their midst.”

Katelyn Beaty, Managing Editor, Christianity Today

“Could the gospel be not just for sinners, but for victims? Having worked with many who have been impacted by psychological, sexual, and physical abuse, I am so grateful for this book. It reminds me, once again, that the gospel is indeed good news—particularly to those who have been victimized.”

Chuck DeGroat, Associate Professor of Pastoral Care and Counseling, Western Theological Seminary; senior fellow, Newbigin House of Studies; and author of Toughest People to Love

“The Holcombs offer an ‘intervention of grace’ to those who suffer under domestic violence. They show that the God of the Bible abounds in grace and love, restoring dignity and hope to those who’ve been harmed. Victims will find a voice to speak out about the violence they’ve endured, guided by the very words of Scripture, and they will find a God who acts with righteous power to rescue the oppressed.”

Mike Wilkerson,Author, Redemption: Freed by Jesus from the Idols We Worship and the Wounds We Carry

 

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Moody Publishers; New edition (May 1, 2014)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 240 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0802410243
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0802410245
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10.4 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.55 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 96 ratings

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
96 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book's content helpful and empowering for victims and abusers. They say it helps heal deep wounds and provide a way for the victim to pray and cry out to God in distress. Readers describe the book as excellent, with a great first half on domestic violence issues. The writing style is thoughtful and logical, with resources and copious end notes documenting the authors' research.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

16 customers mention "Enlightened content"14 positive2 negative

Customers find the book helpful, empowering, and practical. They say it's a much-needed resource on domestic violence and does a good job of validating abuse victims.

"...There is a list of recommended resources as well as copious end notes documenting the authors' research...." Read more

"...NO ONE WINS! Learn with faithful and scriptural based beliefs. Be safe and seek people to help assist you...." Read more

"Amazing, honest, helpful, wise, definitely offering hope and healing! Thanks for writing this! Refreshingly spot on about all aspects of DV and God!" Read more

"...the two-part format--the first consisting of concrete descriptions of abusive behavior and common effects on victims, the second of biblical hope..." Read more

5 customers mention "Healing ability"5 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful in the healing process. They say it provides a way for the victim to pray and cry out to God in distress. Some reviewers mention it does a reasonable job of honoring victims, while others feel it dishonors them.

"...But these Psalms provide a way for the victim to pray and cry out to God in her distress...." Read more

"Amazing, honest, helpful, wise, definitely offering hope and healing! Thanks for writing this! Refreshingly spot on about all aspects of DV and God!" Read more

"...a SURVIVOR of Domestic Violence...this book really touched me & aided in my healing...." Read more

"...They sometimes do a reasonable job of honoring victims; but they undo this by dishonoring victims in a variety of ways: — they patronize and subtly..." Read more

5 customers mention "Readability"5 positive0 negative

Customers find the book easy to read. They appreciate the first half focusing on domestic violence issues. However, some readers found the second half questionable.

"Amazing, honest, helpful, wise, definitely offering hope and healing! Thanks for writing this! Refreshingly spot on about all aspects of DV and God!" Read more

"Excellent!!!!" Read more

"Good read..." Read more

"Excellent Book..." Read more

4 customers mention "Writing style"4 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the thoughtful and logical presentation of Scripture. They find the resources and end notes helpful, documenting the authors' research.

"...There is a list of recommended resources as well as copious end notes documenting the authors' research...." Read more

"Finally a clear, logical presentation of the truth found in Scripture about abuse...." Read more

"...Biblically based and compassionately and thoughtly written." Read more

"Excellently written." Read more

Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on May 28, 2014
    Domestic violence (DV) is a difficult subject and one that is often misunderstood. Consequently, victims may not realize that what is happening to them is abuse. Also well-intentioned but uninformed counsel may re-victimize those already hurting. "Is It My Fault?" brings this topic to light for the victim and those who would help her.

    To give a brief overview, this book is divided into three sections:

    Part 1 - What is Domestic Violence? - This section lays the groundwork by defining DV and its extent. Contrary to what many may think, abuse is not just physical. Neither is it a relational issue but one of control. [21]

    "Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior that is used by one individual to gain or maintain power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, exploit, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound an intimate partner."[57]

    Part 2 - Women, Domestic Violence, and the Bible - Does God care about women? Does He demand that a woman remain in an abusive situation and suffer for His sake? The authors go back to the Scriptures to find the answers to these questions and others. They expose how the Bible can be misused and also clearly show that God is a deliverer who desires healing and wholeness for the oppressed.

    Part 3 - Reflections from the Psalms - The authors take three Psalms and walk the reader through the Psalmist's struggles and suffering. They don't respond with Christian cliches or make light of a victim's pain. The desire for justice is not minimized either. But these Psalms provide a way for the victim to pray and cry out to God in her distress.

    Appendices include emergency numbers, a personalized safety plan, which is excellent, and suggestions on how churches can help women at risk. There is a list of recommended resources as well as copious end notes documenting the authors' research. (Of note, the book uses feminine pronouns when referring to the victim. However, the authors acknowledge that men are victims as well.)

    Now that I've given a general summary of the book, let me bring it home.

    For the victim, "Is It My Fault?" provides much needed clarity and comfort. I cannot stress how important it is to be told it is not your fault. Abusers are so skilled at blame-shifting and crazy-making that victims are brainwashed into think that it is their fault, they deserve it, even to the extent that God is punishing them. Nothing is further from the truth, and this needs to be stated loud and clear. Abuse needs to be recognized for what it is and exposed in all its ugliness. But more than this, the Holcombs point the victim to Jesus. He is the only one who can fully sympathize with her suffering. He is the only one with the power and love to deliver and heal her deepest wounds. And because of what Jesus has done, there is hope instead of shame.

    For those who want to help, facing domestic violence is difficult because it collides with much of what we believe about marriage, family, gender, and divorce. As Christians, we have a strong desire to preserve marriage, but there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Also without a correct understanding of DV, the mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional health of the victim may take a back seat to our ideals. God forbid that she should suffer more at our hands which is why need to be informed. "Is It My Fault?" may challenge you in this regard, but we should examine our attitudes and perhaps preconceived ideas in light of the whole counsel of God.

    Pastors, church and women ministry leaders, and even the average church goer, please read this book. One in four women will suffer domestic violence in some form.[59] It is highly probable that there are women in your church who were or are victims. Get informed. Care for the widow and the orphan, and may the church practice true religion undefiled. I strongly recommend "Is It My Fault?."
    18 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on November 20, 2015
    Great book for victims and abusers to learn from. Learn the signs and stages to prevent actions and also know that you are not alone in this terrible terrible sickness no matter what side of the abuse you are on. NO ONE WINS!
    Learn with faithful and scriptural based beliefs.
    Be safe and seek people to help assist you.
    If you have a violent temper learn how it can be controlled and also seek people who can help you.
    We are all BROKEN (Good book by Anne Peterson on AMAZON also) and God can fix anything!
  • Reviewed in the United States on January 30, 2019
    Amazing, honest, helpful, wise, definitely offering hope and healing! Thanks for writing this! Refreshingly spot on about all aspects of DV and God!
  • Reviewed in the United States on September 18, 2020
    As someone who is trying to better understand the dynamics and effects of abuse, I found this book very helpful. I appreciate the two-part format--the first consisting of concrete descriptions of abusive behavior and common effects on victims, the second of biblical hope and counsel.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2018
    I thought it was helpful as far as recognizing the need to get out but to also trust God during the process that can be long in some cases but well worth it!
  • Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2017
    Finally a clear, logical presentation of the truth found in Scripture about abuse. Needs to be the library (and WELL used) of every clergy/priest/pastor/minister in the country. If you have been told that there is no reason for separation/divorce outside of sexual infidelity or abandonment, this will show you what the Bible ACTUALLY says about your situation. Don't believe that God wants you to stay in the path of destruction (or your children!).
    4 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on February 13, 2016
    As a SURVIVOR of Domestic Violence...this book really touched me & aided in my healing.
    God got me through my abusive relationship....& to Him I give all the glory.
    I recommend this book to victims & their supporters!!
    5 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on May 8, 2021
    I am an evangelical pastor who used this book as a tool in helping an abuse victim.

    The first half of the book does a great job in validating abuse victims. It gives victims/survivors confidence to claim that "yes, I have been abused."

    The second half of the book does a poor job in biblical exegesis and proof texting. For example, abuse victims can flee from suffering, because the patriarchs did. However, it's clear from the context in Genesis that God was displeased with Abraham and Isaac for their actions. There are other examples of this type of superficial proof texting and inadequat theology (Noah, Abigail & Nabal, "God wishes for your safety", etc).

    It also retreats to egalitarianism and William Webb's redemptive hermeneutic to explain away different passages of the bible. Personally, I find these strategies unconvincing and in the end, introducing more problems than they solve. Alarmingly, they left out a meaningful discussion concerning divorce, although one can find a brief discussion in the end notes! Perhaps no other issue weighs as heavy in the mind of an evangelical Christian suffering abuse.

    Positively, they did highlight the many passages about defending the poor, orphan, and widow. The lament Psalms were a nice inclusion as well. However, they tried to cover too much ground theologically without adequate biblical support. I would recommend two chapters to this volume. First, a biblical defense of God's hatred of violence, pride, and harsh words. Second, a biblical defense of divorce.

    Overall, the book still helped me and the victim greatly in our situation. Thanks to the authors for their contribution to the body of Christ.
    4 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

  • Freetobe
    5.0 out of 5 stars You're not alone
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 19, 2018
    Thank you to the writers for giving a voice to women in so called Christian marriages where abuse is often hidden, hard to admit and therefore leads to a lonely confusing reality.
    This book must be read by women who suffer and those who they reach out to or ministers who know they need to gain understanding of what may be allowed to flourish in their congregations without this vital information. Ultimately hope is weaved throughout the text and the security in God's love that is available to anyone who believes. He sees everything and you are not alone but cherished despite your despair. This book has personally given me the strength to keep believing in the promise of freedom and to do what I can to be safe and free. Finally it most definitely is not your fault, read this book and I pray you'll confidently agree.
  • Gina
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great book, great resource
    Reviewed in France on June 14, 2014
    I thought that I understood everything that I needed to about my own experience, but it was so helpful to have it on paper, and have a godly pastor confirm what I felt was right. I recommended this book to everyone who I knew could benefit from it - friends, pastors, family...
  • Anthony G
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 4, 2018
    What a great book - in my view a must read for church ministers and those interested in pastoral work.
    Customer image
    Anthony G
    5.0 out of 5 stars
    Great book

    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 4, 2018
    What a great book - in my view a must read for church ministers and those interested in pastoral work.
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