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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Paperback – May 16, 1999
Purchase options and add-ons
- Print length271 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHarmony
- Publication dateMay 16, 1999
- Dimensions5.15 x 0.59 x 7.99 inches
- ISBN-100609805797
- ISBN-13978-0609805794
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Editorial Reviews
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From the Back Cover
marriage." Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
"Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus."
Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way
"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic." Newsweek
"Twenty-five years of landmark marital research."
-- USA Today
"Offers something every relationship can benefit from."
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer
"Astonishing new research!"
-- Woman's World
"Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!"
-- Amazon.com
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages
It's a surprisingly cloudless Seattle morning as newlyweds Mark and Janice Gordon sit down to breakfast. Outside the apartment's picture window, the waters of Montlake cut a deep-blue swath, while runners jog and geese waddle along the lakeside park. Mark and Janice are enjoying the view as they munch on their French toast and share the Sunday paper. Later Mark will probably switch on the football game while Janice chats over the phone with her mom in St. Louis.
All seems ordinary enough inside this studio apartment--until you notice the three video cameras bolted to the wall, the microphones clipped talk-show style to Mark's and Janice's collars, and the Holter monitors strapped around their chests. Mark and Janice's lovely studio with a view is really not their apartment at all. It's a laboratory at the University of Washington in Seattle, where for sixteen years I have spearheaded the most extensive and innovative research ever into marriage and divorce.
As part of one of these studies, Mark and Janice (as well as forty-nine other randomly selected couples) volunteered to stay overnight in our fabricated apartment, affectionately known as the Love Lab. Their instructions were to act as naturally as possible, despite my team of scientists observing them from behind the one-way kitchen mirror, the cameras recording their every word and facial expression, and the sensors tracking bodily signs of stress or relaxation, such as how quickly their hearts pound. (To preserve basic privacy, the couples were monitored only from nine a.m. to nine p.m. and never while in the bathroom.) The apartment comes equipped with a fold-out sofa, a working kitchen, a phone, TV, VCR, and CD player. Couples were told to bring their groceries, their newspapers, their laptops, needlepoint, hand weights, even their pets--whatever they would need to experience a typical weekend.
My goal has been nothing more ambitious than to uncover the truth about marriage--to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people for so long: Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad--or rescue one that already has?
Predicting Divorce with 91 Percent Accuracy
After years of research I can finally answer these questions. In fact, I am now able to predict whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way. I can make this prediction after listening to the couple interact in our Love Lab for as little as five minutes! My accuracy rate in these predictions averages 91 percent over three separate studies. In other words, in 91 percent of the cases where I have predicted that a couple's marriage would eventually fail or succeed, time has proven me right. These predictions are not based on my intuition or preconceived notions of what marriage "should" be, but on the data I've accumulated over years of study.
At first you might be tempted to shrug off my research results as just another in a long line of newfangled theories. It's certainly easy to be cynical when someone tells you they've figured out what really makes marriages last and can show you how to rescue or divorce-proof your own. Plenty of people consider themselves to be experts on marriage--and are more than happy to give you their opinion of how to form a more perfect union.
But that's the key word--opinion. Before the breakthroughs my research provided, point of view was pretty much all that anyone trying to help couples had to go on. And that includes just about every qualified, talented, and well-trained marriage counselor out there. Usually a responsible therapist's approach to helping couples is based on his or her professional training and experience, intuition, family history, perhaps even religious conviction. But the one thing it's not based on is hard scientific evidence. Because until now there really hasn't been any rigorous scientific data about why some marriages succeed and others flop.
For all of the attention my ability to predict divorce has earned me, the most rewarding findings to come out of my studies are the Seven Principles that will prevent a marriage from breaking up.
Emotionally Intelligent Marriages
What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.
I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just five minutes.
Recently, emotional intelligence has become widely recognized as an important predictor of a child's success later in life. The more in touch with emotions and the better able a child is to understand and get along with others, the sunnier that child's future, whatever his or her academic IQ. The same is true for relationships between spouses. The more emotionally intelligent a couple--the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage--the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after. Just as parents can teach their children emotional intelligence, this is also a skill that a couple can be taught. As simple as it sounds, it can keep husband and wife on the positive side of the divorce odds.
Why Save Your Marriage?
Speaking of those odds, the divorce statistics remain dire. The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years. Some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10 percent higher than for first-timers. The chance of getting divorced remains so high that it makes sense for all married couples--including those who are currently satisfied with their relationship--to put extra effort into their marriages to keep them strong.
Product details
- Publisher : Harmony; 1st edition (May 16, 1999)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 271 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0609805797
- ISBN-13 : 978-0609805794
- Item Weight : 8 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.15 x 0.59 x 7.99 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #51,787 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #304 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #5,748 in Health, Fitness & Dieting (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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About the authors
Nan Silver is an author, journalist and editor who specializes in parenting, relationships, psychology and health. With Dr. John Gottman, she is co-author of the newly released What Makes Love Last? as well as the New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. She is also the author of Rules for Parents, a collection of entertaining edicts about modern parenting. Amazon’s review concluded: “Silver maintains a witty, conversational tone that makes for a quick and memorable read. This Mommy could do a mean stand-up routine.” Her magazine credits include stints as editor-in-chief of Health magazine, contributing editor at Parents magazine and a wide assortment of feature articles and columns. She has been a married Mom and a single Mom and has two amazing kids who make her look like a better parent than she is (except when they don’t).
John Gottman, Ph.D., is world-renowned for his work on relationship stability and divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the PsychoTherapy Networker publication. His 35 years of breakthrough research on marriage, relationships and parenting has earned him numerous major awards.
He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author or co-author of 40 books. Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where programs have been developed for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Domestic Violence. Dr. Gottman is also in private practice in Seattle and sees couples for weekly and intensive marathon therapy sessions.
Customer reviews
Customer Reviews, including Product Star Ratings help customers to learn more about the product and decide whether it is the right product for them.
To calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star, we don’t use a simple average. Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzed reviews to verify trustworthiness.
Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find this relationship guide practical and easy to follow, based on 20 years of research. The book includes numerous couple exercises that help deepen understanding, and one customer notes how it provides a framework to learn more about your partner. Customers appreciate the fun activities, with one mentioning specific games to play with your spouse, and how it makes them look at things from a different perspective.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find this book to be a very practical guide to relationships, providing beneficial insights that help them understand each other better.
"...He was very clear about both sexes working together, but that its also not a competition. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS BOOK I highly recommend it...." Read more
"I thought this book was good on a practical level for marriage, especially dealing with how couples fight and otherwise get along in marriage...." Read more
"...He has seperated the relationship myths from the facts (finally!) and shows you what works and what you need to work on...." Read more
"...and were planning to get married, this book shows you ways to learn new things about your partner...." Read more
Customers find the book readable and interesting, describing it as a great resource.
"...I love you sweetie. And thank you to Mr Gottman, this book is amazing, and I also loved how he wasn't sexist...." Read more
"...Overall, I thought it was a good, decent book. I hope this review was helpful in your decision to read it." Read more
"...It really has some great things in it...." Read more
"...Definitely worth reading." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and follow, describing it as a step-by-step guide that provides clear marriage guidance.
"Practical, straight to the point, well written, backed by research and results...." Read more
"...Don't misunderstand that statement- the book is very easy to read, and is not filled with a lot of dry abstract statements...." Read more
"...so easy to understand and once you do understand, they are easy to put into practice...." Read more
"...The suggestions it offered seemed easy enough and targeted enough that I'm sure they would have been useful in a situation where two people want to..." Read more
Customers appreciate that the book is based on 20 years of research.
"Practical, straight to the point, well written, backed by research and results...." Read more
"..."Love Labs" is pretty good, or I guess better said, the conclusions from the data is good...." Read more
"...that he begins the book with sharing his research and the results of decades of research...." Read more
"...and my fiancee and I appreciated the fact that conclusions were based on such detailed science...." Read more
Customers appreciate the numerous couple exercises in the book, with one customer noting how they progressively deepen throughout the book, and another highlighting how they provide a framework for learning about your partner.
"...First of all, there are a lot of exercises in the book, many of which seem useful on some level depending on what a couple's difficulties are...." Read more
"...There are a number of exercises for a couple, to give some feedback specifically for the reader...." Read more
"...It has several handy little exercises throughout the book that you can do with your partner, if you wish...." Read more
"...It provides plenty of activities to try to rebuild from this...." Read more
Customers find the book effective, with multiple reviews noting its practical solutions that work well for couples and iPhone users.
"Practical, straight to the point, well written, backed by research and results...." Read more
"...This book really tells you what works and what doesn't, and how to get your relationships on track...." Read more
"...for troubled couples or married couples, this book is actually great for people who are serious about a relationship and trying to decide if they..." Read more
"...For us it worked great and I think it would work really well for others too...." Read more
Customers enjoy the activities in the book, particularly the exercises designed for couples to do together, with one customer noting the inclusion of funny stories throughout.
"...In fact, it's even fun. My husband and i laugh again... together. Thank you John Gottman...." Read more
"...best marriage scholar out there, but he writes this book in an easy, fun, helpful way...." Read more
"...The cases and stories are intriguing and the games and quizzes are usually fun, depending upon the subject matter...." Read more
"...Gottman has some great exercises for couples to work through to develop a better understanding of each other to actually strengthen their friendship..." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's perspective, as it analyzes how couples fight and makes them look at things from different angles.
"...The cases and stories are intriguing and the games and quizzes are usually fun, depending upon the subject matter...." Read more
"This book has definitely helped my marriage. It made me look at things from a different perspective & see why my way of communicating with my..." Read more
"...Case examples make for interesting reading and help the reader identify with the principles, making it easier to apply them to one's particular..." Read more
"It teaches you how to fight, how to see things in a different perspective, and how to fight without taking sides...." Read more
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Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on October 26, 2010When I got this book I thought my marriage was doomed. After reading half of it, in a weeks time our relationhip/friendship has never been better! My husband is not much for participating, but I have found ways to "compliment" him in areas he's not so great at. I put a question in his lunch box with my answer for him to read. He comes home now and kisses me and tells me thank you for the note. Affection was an area of concern for me, and it's working. I've also realized how much of the issue was mine not his. I know a lot of ladies will roll their eyes at that comment but I believe taking responsibility where it's due. NOt saying our issues stemed just from me, but I was creating the issues I had with my husband. I would "flood" him with, "why dont' you talk to me?", "Why aren't you more open to sharing with me?" Why this why that and I would keep doing it until we had a HUGE blow out and he would start "Stonewalling" and then I would think he didn't care, then it continued on and I would keep it going by yelling at him, telling him he was an insensitive jerk.... The other day he came home from MI, and instead of "flooding" him with questions, I showed him how excited I was to see him, and didn't ask him anything. I decided to wait for him to open up because I know he's not much of a talker, another way I "comlimented" him and before I knew it he just opened up and told me so much more than me trying to DRAG it out of him. I have also realized just how "normal" of a couple we are. I thought we didn't spend enough time together. In fact, we have a better relationship than most couples now I believe. When I was taking the questionairs, we were passing with flying colors and I was confused at first and thought this wasn't right. But we are doing very well I've been realizing. I would freak out because our marriage wasn't like the movies, and didn't realize.... we have a great friendship! We "turn towards eachother" more than I thought.... and my husband does a lot of the turning..... My purception of what I thought a "normal" marriage was, was so dystorted and this book helped me to realize just how GREAT and LOVING, and just how WONDERFUL of a friend my husband is. I love him even more and appreciate all the effort he puts into our marriage now. My eyes have been opened. We've been through so much with not much of a dating life (pregnant after 6 months of knowing eachother), striving to get our credit together to buy a house, bought a house, not even a year later my husband was laid off, we lost the house in a short sale (I feel very lucky for that), moving from MI where all of our family is to AL, to being robbed 4 times in less than a year, and getting back into a house.... I'm PROUD to say we've been through this and we've gotten through it and are still getting through it and we still haven't lost eachother. I've realized what a great friend he's been to me through all of this. I love you sweetie. And thank you to Mr Gottman, this book is amazing, and I also loved how he wasn't sexist. He points out throught the book that a husband and wife both should do this, not "what a wife should do to save their marriage" Which frustrates me to no end. He was very clear about both sexes working together, but that its also not a competition. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS BOOK I highly recommend it. You're eyes will be opened.
- Reviewed in the United States on June 16, 2005I thought this book was good on a practical level for marriage, especially dealing with how couples fight and otherwise get along in marriage.
If you are interested in this book, probably the best advice I could give you would be to check it out of the library first (if it's not at your own library location, many will reserve it at an affiliate library and ship it to yours for free), read it, and purchase it if you think it's really useful for you on a daily basis. That's what I did, and what I generally do with most books (usually they're books on health or computer programs) because I got sick of purchasing, and getting stuck with, books I ultimately found useless by the time I finished reading them. I thought this was a good enough to purchase, especially since I got the paperback version from the "New and Used" section for around $10 including shipping.
I've taken marriage courses and read marriage books which describe the ideal of what a marriage should be--the core values that should be shared, the goals, etc. Those were great on an inspirational level but not very helpful when you're in the middle of an argument and have no clue how to get past some recurring problem. This book gave me some guidelines for uncovering underlying causes of tension in a marriage which may not be obvious when the discussion may seem to be going in the opposite direction.
For me, simply purchasing the book after having read it for free from the library makes a statement that I found it useful enough to set aside a little extra cash and space on my bookshelf. There are a few things I don't necessarily agree with wholeheartedly which I will mention, but overall I took enough good information and techniques from the book to purchase it.
First of all, there are a lot of exercises in the book, many of which seem useful on some level depending on what a couple's difficulties are. Toward the end of the book it felt a little like exercise overkill; for that reason I personally would suggest picking and choosing what to attempt based on a couple's foremost needs, and leaving the rest for consideration at a later time (i.e., if you generally feel like your each other's best friends but when you argue it gets explosive, try to figure out how to argue better by trying those exercises).
Secondly, Gottman uses the term "Flooding" to describe when one partner freezes up during an argument. I found the use of that term pretty disconcerting, as it is both used gynecologically to describe a woman's overly-abundant menstrual flow and is used in psychology to describe an immersion method to get a person used to an uncomfortable situation (a totally different definition than Gottman's layman use in the book). Sorry if those descriptions are a little graphic for a review, but that should let you know my degree of cringing everytime I read the word used Gottman's way.
Overall, I thought it was a good, decent book. I hope this review was helpful in your decision to read it.
Top reviews from other countries
- rayReviewed in Canada on April 10, 2014
5.0 out of 5 stars Must for all couples
If you cherish your marriage, this is the cheapest investment with potentially the biggest long-term impact in your marriage or your life. If your marriage is successful, why not make it better or find out why it is successful. If your marriage is failing, there could still be hope. If your marriage has failed, maybe you can find out why from reading this. Whatever your circumstances, this book encompasses concepts that make sense. But you need to be open minded. A vacation is not going to save your marriage. Trust me. I tried. A mutual understanding is what you need. Get and read the book.
- NikiReviewed in Canada on April 13, 2016
5.0 out of 5 stars You can use this book to save a rocky marriage or strengthen a good one
If you're struggling in your relationship, this book may be able to help you. If you, like us, are (were) constantly fighting, you are probably undergoing lots of unnecessary stress in your life. For my husband and I, it got to the point where we felt the stresses and strains of our constant fighting were almost certainly taking a toll on our mental and physical health. We knew we loved each other, we knew we wanted to be together, we just didn't know how to make it work amicably.
We started the book two years ago and worked through the first two principles. We had those two nailed, thought we were good and put the book down for a couple of years. Although things were better for a few months, slowly, over time things deteriorated again. In reality, we hadn't yet gotten to the chapters that dealt with the problem areas in our marriage, so nothing was different over the long term, and no new understanding had been gained.
Recently, tensions were high from constant arguing, and both of us felt that we had done lots of damage to our relationship from years of arguing and didn't see a way out. It pains me to say that divorce was considered by both of us as a way out of this mess. I combed through the book again, skipping ahead to the chapter that best applied to us: gridlock. There it was, the information we needed to understand our conflicts and make them easier to handle.
Basically, I grew up in a house where shouting led to painful (drunken) character attacks and volatile behaviour, and he grew up in a house where shouting was no big deal. So, when he shouted, I shut down, and all discussions were over. He felt shut out and hurt, judged and hated, and I felt damaged and afraid. Realizing that we are both different, and that he doesn't set out to hurt anyone when he yells, allowed me to accept him as he was, and turned the outbursts in comical situations that quickly are forgotten. Nobody is perfect: he is loyal, loving, devoted and hardworking, and I can't throw all that out the window because he doesn't ask the kids in a quiet voice to pick up their markers etc.
Best of all, my kids take their cue from me, and when dad raises his voice, they listen without cowering, love him anyway, and accept him as he is. We have all gotten closer as a result.
We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel that this book has pointed us in the right direction and that our house has felt so much lighter since. Everyone deserves a loving and harmonious relationship, and if you're struggling, remember to put as much effort into your marriage as you put into anything else you care deeply about, and to get help with skills and tools you might not have had modeled for your self, but which you can learn! This book covers all the areas you need to strengthen for a happy marriage, so you too can be one of those annoyingly happy and sweet couples (that I always secretly envied)!
Good luck and thanks for reading.
- SleipnirReviewed in Canada on July 19, 2017
5.0 out of 5 stars Superb work!
John Gottman & co.'s depth of study and investigation makes this work much greater and gives it incredible depth, but he is able to articulate his findings in clear, simple ways that make sense of the complexities of marriage :)
- HeloiseReviewed in Canada on December 5, 2014
4.0 out of 5 stars Good book, but I'm not 100% sure that it's ...
Good book, but I'm not 100% sure that it's accurate. It's a good perspective though. There is no one recipe to make a marriage work. I know couples that always put each other down, but they are happy together and will die together.
- A. CameronReviewed in Canada on June 17, 2009
5.0 out of 5 stars best advice
This book has helped all my relationships, and you don't have to be married for it to help in your relationships with the opposite sex. The advice given is highly useful .. I have found that if you make a commitment to do as Gottman suggests, it affects other people in good ways too, so there's better communication and more respect. This is the best how-to guide I have come across yet, and I would recommend it for people who are ready to improve how they get along with others, and especially for those who want to improve on an old relationship.