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Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills Paperback – May 30, 2006

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,593 ratings

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For twenty-five years, Positive Discipline has been the gold standard reference for grown-ups working with children. Now Jane Nelsen, distinguished psychologist, educator, and mother of seven, has written a revised and expanded edition. The key to positive discipline is not punishment, she tells us, but mutual respect. Nelsen coaches parents and teachers to be both firm and kind, so that any child–from a three-year-old toddler to a rebellious teenager–can learn creative cooperation and self-discipline with no loss of dignity. Inside you’ll discover how to

• bridge communication gaps
• defuse power struggles
• avoid the dangers of praise
• enforce your message of love
• build on strengths, not weaknesses
• hold children accountable with their self-respect intact
• teach children not what to think but how to think
• win cooperation at home and at school
• meet the special challenge of teen misbehavior

“It is not easy to improve a classic book, but Jane Nelson has done so in this revised edition. Packed with updated examples that are clear and specific, Positive Discipline shows parents exactly how to focus on solutions while being kind and firm. If you want to enrich your relationship with your children, this is the book for you.”
–Sal Severe, author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!


Millions of children have already benefited from the counsel in this wise and warmhearted book, which features dozens of true stories of positive discipline in action. Give your child the tools he or she needs for a well-adjusted life with this proven treasure trove of practical advice.
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Make a Difference During the Most Important Years of Your Child's Life

From the Inside Flap

Make a Difference During the Most Important Years of Your Child's Life
The months leading up to the birth of a child are filed with joy, dreams, plans--and a few worries. As a caring parent, you want to start your child out in life on the proper foundation. But where do you go for the answers to such questions as: How do I communicate with an infant who doesn't understand words? How can I effectively teach boundaries to my toddler? Should I ever spank my child?
Over the years, millions of parents just like you have come to trust Jane Nelsen's classic "Positive Discipline series. These books offer a commonsense approach to child-rearing that so often is lacking in today's world. In "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, you'll learn how to use kind but firm support to raise a child who is both capable and confident. You'll find practical solutions and solid advice on how to:
-Encourage independence and exploration while providing appropriate boundaries
-Use non-punitive methods to instill valuable social skills and positive behavior inside and outside the home
-Recognize when your child is ready to master the challenges of sleeping, eating, and potty training, and how to avoid the power struggles that often come with those lessons
-Identify your child's temperament
-Understand what the latest research in brain development tells us about raising healthy children
-And much, much more!
Containing real-life examples of challenges other parents and caregivers have faced, "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years is the one book that no parent should be without.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Ballantine Books; Updated edition (May 30, 2006)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 384 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0345487672
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0345487674
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.14 x 0.79 x 8 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,593 ratings

About the author

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Jane Nelsen
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Dr. Jane Nelsen is a California licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author or co-author of 18 books, including Positive Discipline, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, Serenity, and 12 other books in the Positive Discipline Series. Her latest book, Positive Discipline Parenting Tools, was written with two of her children, Mary Nelsen Tamborski and Brad Ainge, who share their examples of using PD. Jane earned her Ed.D. from the University of San Francisco, but her formal training has been secondary to her hands-on training as the mother of seven and grandmother of 22, and great-grandmother to 11. She now shares this wealth of knowledge and experience as a popular keynote speaker and workshop leader throughout the world.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
1,593 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book helpful for teaching positive parenting tools and empowering children. They describe it as easy to read and reference, with clear explanations and illustrations. Readers mention that the book helps them manage their responses and gain better ways of dealing with power struggles. The relationship between parents and children is described as respectful and loving. The book offers practical tools and insights that are easily implemented.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

120 customers mention "Parenting advice"120 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the positive parenting advice in the book. They say it teaches parents how to empower and encourage their children. The book helps them see discipline in a new way, making a lot of sense. It provides valuable information and suggestions on how to implement this style.

"...education it gives on about a child's emotional needs, it offers the reader unique insight that allows them to increase the quality of interactions..." Read more

"...a good amount of time reflecting back on the beginning in a very helpful way!..." Read more

"...deep into the reasons why children are 'misbehaving' and provides the related solutions. This book provides very thorough knowledge and suggestions...." Read more

"Valuable insight and tools. I would have loved to see more insight into younger children but I guess research is more challenging there’s." Read more

74 customers mention "Readability"68 positive6 negative

Customers find the book helpful and useful. It helps them be better parents, especially with special needs children. They say the positive discipline techniques are usable and the long-term results are worth it.

"...described in this book in my professional life and have seen tremendous success *especially with special needs children!!!*..." Read more

"...But this book is incredible and I have seen big changes in my kids, and it started with me" Read more

"...book, and the ideas and methods behind Positive Discipline, are totally usable. That's my favorite thing about it...." Read more

"...It doesn't make parenting "easier", but it helps me be a better. loving, and responsible parent so that I can build a life long positive..." Read more

50 customers mention "Ease of understanding"42 positive8 negative

Customers find the book's explanation of positive discipline logical and easy to understand. They appreciate the simple application of the ideas and find the examples helpful. The book takes an in-depth look at why children behave a certain way and is written in an engaging style.

"...The book takes an in-depth look at not only why a child is behaving a certain way, but also how to address the child's (understandably) poorly..." Read more

"...extremely important, and gaining skills in talking about and understanding feelings and how to respond to them (your own and others), a true..." Read more

"...It sounded like a good concept from the title, but I was still in the mindset of giving punishments to try changing behavior...." Read more

"...The application of said ideas is simple and do-able. Most every idea has been very easily incorporated into our lives...." Read more

6 customers mention "Pacing"6 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for managing their responses and gaining positive parenting tools. They say it teaches them different and appropriate methods for dealing with power struggles and communication with kids. The book helps them connect with their kids and raise them in a healthy way.

"...Instead of are you ready for some pizza? Setting non-confrontational expectations works great, but only if you're prepared to follow through:..." Read more

"...For anyone who wants positive parenting tools and wants to raise a strong, independent, confident human 🤘..." Read more

"...An incredible guide to helping connect with your kids, and raise them in a healthy way." Read more

"Absolutely love this book as I navigate through better ways of managing my responses and gain a better understanding of my daughter's...." Read more

5 customers mention "Relationship"5 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for building a respectful and loving relationship with their kids. It helps them set healthy boundaries while loving their kids unconditionally. The book helps them raise responsible, respectful, and confident children.

"...This book teaches us how to raise responsible, respectful, confident and most importantly, happy children!..." Read more

"...Jane’s wonderful advice to reach a mutually cooperative and respectful relationship." Read more

"...firm and want to know how to set healthy boundaries while loving our kids unconditionally. It's a lovely resource." Read more

"...I'm glad I read it. My relationship with my son improved big time." Read more

5 customers mention "Tool quality"5 positive0 negative

Customers find the book provides practical tools and insights for parents. They say it's a timeless guide to help raise good humans.

"Valuable insight and tools. I would have loved to see more insight into younger children but I guess research is more challenging there’s." Read more

"...Thanks for a timeless tool in helping raise good humans. Even works with adults...." Read more

"...It's also a great overview of the philosophy and has a lot of practical tools that are easily implemented...." Read more

"...It was very understandable for any parent. With wonderful tips and ideas on how to help, and understand your child." Read more

Implementation!
5 out of 5 stars
Implementation!
As much as I balked at elements of this book (maybe the writer is a much nicer person than myself? Maybe she lives on a different mountain or valley than myself and nothing is reachable?) it eventually relieved me of my fears and provided exercises to establish awareness of my biases (lifestyle priorities) and gave illustrations of appropriate natural consequences that, because of a sense of ‘what will the neighbors think’ I was unsure I was doing ‘the’ right thing. I am capable, I am learning, and “mistakes are great opportunities to learn.” Glad my housemate recommended this book. Several other varieties tuned for audiences that have a different us/them break down (sobriety, child care, teens). Same great message through and through.
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on March 25, 2016
    I got this as a required textbook for my child development class and I absolutely loved it. It was an effortless read that left my hi lighter(s) completely dried out from overuse. It is probably one of my favorite non-fiction books, and it's one I still reference with frequency and have even moved cross country with! I have used the methods described in this book in my professional life and have seen tremendous success *especially with special needs children!!!*

    It addresses many of the behavioral issues that we (adults and caregivers) are prone to attribute to a child's personality (think "he's a bad kid") or even personal jabs (think "why does my child hate me so much that they would do these things to me?). The book takes an in-depth look at not only why a child is behaving a certain way, but also how to address the child's (understandably) poorly articulated needs which are the crux of behavioral issues. Because of the education it gives on about a child's emotional needs, it offers the reader unique insight that allows them to increase the quality of interactions with children outside of discipline. This holistic approach is why it is incredibly effective. The difference this guide makes would be equivalent to addressing seasickness by simply getting off the boat instead of trying to quell the nausea with moderately helpful off-brand Tums.
    10 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on November 2, 2017
    This is an instance where it is worth the money to pay for a new copy of the latest edition. As Jane herself has evolved and grown in understanding (the whole point of Positive Discipline, for parents and children both), so has the book. The first part of the newest edition spends a good amount of time reflecting back on the beginning in a very helpful way!

    The most popular review of this book on Amazon seriously lacks understanding of what PD actually is. It is NOT just “talking to your kids about their feelings”. While emotional health is extremely important, and gaining skills in talking about and understanding feelings and how to respond to them (your own and others), a true Positive Discipline response does not stop there. PD is solutions based parenting rather than punishment based, that is all. So the first approach to, say, a child not performing a family task required of them (cleaning their room, say) would be—waiting until AFTER all members of the family are calm and rational—A. Validate/understand why they are choosing not to do it, B. State choices within the boundary of getting the task done, then C. If that fails, moving on to a conversation between parent and child, thinking of a solution and agreement that you then HOLD THE CHILD TO until the task is completed, regularly and on time. Being able to say “what was our agreement?” Is not only much more likely to encourage cooperation than lecturing and yellling is (the child herself came up with the rules alongside you!), but it empowers children to understand their own power, ability and responsibilities, giving them that vital sense of purpose and belonging in the family.

    If this basic description of how PD works appeals to you, by ALL means buy and read and share this book! I can pretty much promise that actual application of PD will not result in a young person that loses their part-time job because the boss doesn’t care about their “feelings”. 😂
    80 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on July 29, 2024
    This book is packed with parenting knowledge backed up with researches and studies. It digs deep into the reasons why children are 'misbehaving' and provides the related solutions. This book provides very thorough knowledge and suggestions. I high recommend this book!
    One person found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on January 26, 2021
    Valuable insight and tools. I would have loved to see more insight into younger children but I guess research is more challenging there’s.
  • Reviewed in the United States on December 20, 2024
    This book came undamaged and no misprints
  • Reviewed in the United States on August 5, 2016
    My wife wanted me to read this book that she heard about from a friend of hers. It sounded like a good concept from the title, but I was still in the mindset of giving punishments to try changing behavior.

    When reading the book, a lot of it made sense and some of it didn't. I disagreed and even objected when I first read about the "cooling off" period because of the way it was presented compared to my past experience being on the other end in a similar situation. This made more sense later as I continued reading though, and it is the way that it is done that matters.

    Since starting to read this book, I have been trying to apply principles that I have learned from it as I see opportunities, and I have seen more positive results from its concepts than my previous practices.

    I got more out of the book than just helpful information on how to raise children. I believe a lot of these concepts can and should be applied in many areas of life with friends and co-workers as well.

    My final thoughts are that I believe all current parents, parents-to-be, teachers, and even managers should read this book to help others be their best. It is a complete 180 from the way it seems that most children are raised, but is ultimately what each of us were likely striving for through giving punishments. What we are striving for is that we want our children to grow up properly, feeling loved and to have success in all areas of life. That is what this book sets out to achieve, and although we all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, I believe if everyone constantly tried applying these techniques in their daily lives, it truly would make our world a better place.
    71 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on November 27, 2024
    Love it. I needed it for class. Thank you.

Top reviews from other countries

Translate all reviews to English
  • Frederic Paquet
    5.0 out of 5 stars bien
    Reviewed in Canada on November 4, 2024
    bien
  • Alex
    5.0 out of 5 stars Gutes Buch!
    Reviewed in Germany on August 13, 2023
    Es hat mir gefällt!
  • Magic Mark not Mike
    5.0 out of 5 stars Thoughtful and actionable
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 29, 2021
    A lot of the information, you think we would/should kind of just know, but answering ourselves honestly, it's amazing how much we say to our own children, just because our parents did it to us. Reminds me of the quote "A fish doesn't realise it's in water". This book helps us take a step back (pulled out of the water), and look at our own behaviours from the perspective of a child.

    The book offers a great perspective of how your child can feel in different situations, and will even allow you to be honest with yourself about how you felt in similar situations as an adult or from your childhood.

    We have had great success with our children with this book. We have a 1 year old girl and an almost 5 year old boy that has far more repsponsibility in the house than we ever imagined, because he enjoys it. He makes his own breakfast, cracks the eggs, whisks them and knows that if he makes a mess it's OK. He's able to understand when to turn the TV by setting timers for himself, without us needing to demand he turn it off. If we get angry or annoyed, we're better at dealing with those emotions and timing out from each other until we're ready to fix it. It's OK to apologise to your children and admit when we're in the wrong.

    I got ratty one day and shouted at him. An hour later I hugged him an apologised and told him that I was in a grumpy mood and that I shouldn't have snapped at him, not because I wanted to forget it, but because I genuinely felt bad... it was instant forgiveness from him. He is able to now do the same, whether with us, or his friends in school.

    He has gone from being worried about being shouted at, to knowing it's OK to make mistakes but this book has helped us get to that point, and understand how he may feel in the moment. He feels proud of himself when he does something difficult, and we are able to encourage him entirely through positive discipline. Our daughter, although only 1 is benefitting from having parents who are able to react calmly and rationally, even when she is not. We're in the squealing phase right now, which is frustrating, but by rewarding her good behaviours, she's moving on quickly from the "bad" behaviours.

    A really good book, I'd highly recommend it, the birth order is an interesting read too and you will notice this in people you know, but don't go talking to them about it.... some people are (understandably) not interested in you analysing them (I mistakenly brought it up in a conversation with friends, and immediately backtracked out of it!)

    Not a book that you need to follow to the letter, more of a guide that you can start implementing little at a time to see the results.

    Thank you Dr Jane Nelson for making this information so readily avaialable and easy to digest.
  • Shesh
    5.0 out of 5 stars Accessible to all public
    Reviewed in Spain on March 22, 2021
    Excellent advice, simple to follow and already being put into action and obtaining results with three brothers aged 7,5,3.
  • Cliente de Kindle
    5.0 out of 5 stars Excelente
    Reviewed in Mexico on July 14, 2019
    Excelente libro super útil