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Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills Paperback – May 30, 2006
Purchase options and add-ons
• bridge communication gaps
• defuse power struggles
• avoid the dangers of praise
• enforce your message of love
• build on strengths, not weaknesses
• hold children accountable with their self-respect intact
• teach children not what to think but how to think
• win cooperation at home and at school
• meet the special challenge of teen misbehavior
“It is not easy to improve a classic book, but Jane Nelson has done so in this revised edition. Packed with updated examples that are clear and specific, Positive Discipline shows parents exactly how to focus on solutions while being kind and firm. If you want to enrich your relationship with your children, this is the book for you.”
–Sal Severe, author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!
Millions of children have already benefited from the counsel in this wise and warmhearted book, which features dozens of true stories of positive discipline in action. Give your child the tools he or she needs for a well-adjusted life with this proven treasure trove of practical advice.
- Print length384 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherBallantine Books
- Publication dateMay 30, 2006
- Dimensions5.14 x 0.79 x 8 inches
- ISBN-100345487672
- ISBN-13978-0345487674
Book recommendations, author interviews, editors' picks, and more. Read it now
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Editorial Reviews
Review
From the Inside Flap
The months leading up to the birth of a child are filed with joy, dreams, plans--and a few worries. As a caring parent, you want to start your child out in life on the proper foundation. But where do you go for the answers to such questions as: How do I communicate with an infant who doesn't understand words? How can I effectively teach boundaries to my toddler? Should I ever spank my child?
Over the years, millions of parents just like you have come to trust Jane Nelsen's classic "Positive Discipline series. These books offer a commonsense approach to child-rearing that so often is lacking in today's world. In "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, you'll learn how to use kind but firm support to raise a child who is both capable and confident. You'll find practical solutions and solid advice on how to:
-Encourage independence and exploration while providing appropriate boundaries
-Use non-punitive methods to instill valuable social skills and positive behavior inside and outside the home
-Recognize when your child is ready to master the challenges of sleeping, eating, and potty training, and how to avoid the power struggles that often come with those lessons
-Identify your child's temperament
-Understand what the latest research in brain development tells us about raising healthy children
-And much, much more!
Containing real-life examples of challenges other parents and caregivers have faced, "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years is the one book that no parent should be without.
From the Back Cover
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
THE POSITIVE APPROACH
If you are a teacher, have you been teaching long enough to remember when children sat in neat rows and obediently did what they were told? If you are a parent, do you remember when children wouldn’t dare talk back to their parents? Maybe you don’t, but perhaps your grandparents do.
Many parents and teachers today are feeling frustrated because children don’t behave the way they used to in the good old days. What happened? Why don’t today’s children develop the same kinds of responsibility and motivation that seemed more prevalent in children many years ago?
There are many possible explanations, such as broken homes, too much television, video games, and working mothers. These factors are so common in our society today that the situation would seem rather hopeless if they really explained our current challenges with children. (And we all know of many single and working parents who are doing a great job raising their children because they use effective parenting skills.) Rudolf Dreikurs1 had another theory.
There are many major changes that have taken place in society over the past few years that more directly explain the differences in children today. The outlook is very encouraging because, with awareness and desire, we can compensate for these changes and in doing so can also eliminate some of the problems that many think are caused by broken homes, too much television, and working mothers.
The first major change is that adults no longer give children an example or model of submissiveness and obedience. Adults forget that they no longer act the way they used to in the good old days. Remember when Mom obediently did whatever Dad said, or at least gave the impression she did, because it was the culturally acceptable thing to do? In the good old days few people questioned the idea that Dad’s decisions were final.
Because of the human rights movement, this is no longer true. Rudolf Dreikurs pointed out, “When Dad lost control of Mom, they both lost control of the children.” All this means is that Mom quit giving the children a model of submissiveness. This is progress. Many things about the good old days were not so good.
In those days there were many models of submission. Dad obeyed the boss (who was not interested in his opinions) so he wouldn’t lose his job. Minority groups accepted submissive roles at great loss to their personal dignity. Today all minority groups are actively claiming their rights to full equality and dignity. It is difficult to find anyone who is willing to accept an inferior, submissive role in life. Children are simply following the examples all around them. They also want to be treated with dignity and respect.
It is important to note that equality does not mean the same. Four quarters and a dollar bill are very different, but equal. Children obviously do not deserve all the rights that come with greater experience, skills, and maturity. Adult leadership and guidance are important. However, children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. They also deserve the opportunity to develop the life skills they need in an atmosphere of kindness and firmness instead of an atmosphere of blame, shame, and pain.
Another major change is that in today’s society children have fewer opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation. We no longer need children as important contributors to economic survival. Instead children are given too much in the name of love without any effort or investment on their part and they develop an entitlement attitude. Too many mothers and fathers believe that good parents protect their children from all disappointment. They rescue or overprotect—thus robbing their children of the opportunity to develop a belief in their capability to handle the ups and downs of life. Skill training is often neglected because of busy life schedules or a lack of understanding of how important it is for children to contribute. We often rob children of opportunities to feel belonging and significance in meaningful ways through responsible contributions and then complain and criticize them for not developing responsibility.
Children do not develop responsibility when parents and teachers are too strict and controlling, nor do they develop responsibility when parents and teachers are permissive. Children learn responsibility when they have opportunities to learn valuable social and life skills for good character in an atmosphere of kindness, firmness, dignity, and respect.
It is important to emphasize that eliminating punishment does not mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want. We need to provide opportunities for children to experience responsibility in direct relationship to the privileges they enjoy. Otherwise, they become dependent recipients who feel that the only way to achieve belonging and significance is by manipulating other people into their service. Some children develop the belief, “I’m not loved unless others take care of me.” Others may develop the belief that they shouldn’t try because they can’t do very much that doesn’t invite shame and pain. It is saddest when they develop the belief, “I’m not good enough,” because they don’t have opportunities to practice proficiencies that would help them feel capable. These children spend a great deal of energy in rebellion or avoidance behaviors.
When all of their intelligence and energy is directed toward manipulation, rebellion, and avoidance, children do not develop the perceptions and skills needed to become capable people. In the book Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-lndulgent World,2 H. Stephen Glenn and I identify the Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills necessary for developing capable people.
Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills
1.Strong perceptions of personal capabilities—“I am capable.”
2.Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships—“I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed.”
3.Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life—“I can influence what happens to me.”
4.Strong intrapersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.
5.Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, and listening.
6.Strong systemic skills: the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity.
7.Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.
Children developed these perceptions and skills naturally when they were allowed to work side by side with their parents, receiving on-the-job training while making meaningful contributions to the family lifestyle. The irony is that in the good old days children had opportunities to develop strong life skills, but had few opportunities to use them. Now the world is full of opportunities for which too many children are not prepared. Today children do not have many natural opportunities to feel needed and significant, but parents and teachers can thoughtfully provide these opportunities. A wonderful fringe benefit is that most behavior problems can be eliminated when parents and teachers learn more effective ways to help their children and students develop healthy perceptions and skills. Most misbehavior can be traced to a lack of development in these Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills.
Understanding why children do not behave the way they used to is the first step for parents and teachers who are facing child-discipline challenges. We need to understand why controlling methods, which worked so well many years ago, are not effective with children today. We need to understand our obligation to provide opportunities, which were once provided by circumstances, for children to develop responsibility and motivation. And most important, we need to understand that cooperation based on mutual respect and shared responsibility is more effective than authoritarian control (see Table 1.1).
The attitude of parents or teachers who choose between each of the three approaches is very different.
Strictness—“These are the rules by which you must abide, and this is the punishment you will receive for violation of the rules.” Children are not involved in the decision-making process.
Permissiveness—“There are no rules. I am sure we will love each other and be happy, and you will be able to choose your own rules later.”
Positive Discipline—“Together we will decide on rules for our mutual benefit. We will also decide together on solutions that will be helpful to all concerned when we have problems. When I must use my judgment without your input, I will use firmness with kindness, dignity, and respect.”
As a fun way to illustrate the extreme differences between the three approaches, Dr. John Platt3 tells the story of three-year-old Johnny at breakfast time in each home. In a strict home, where Mom knows what is best, Johnny does not have a choice regarding breakfast. On a cold, rainy day, controlling mothers all over the world know that Johnny needs some kind of hot mush to get him through the day. Johnny, however, has different ideas. He looks at the mush and says, “Yuck! I don’t want this stuff!” One hundred years ago it was much easier to be a strict, controlling mother. She could just say, “Eat!” and Johnny would obey. It is more difficult today, so Mom goes through the following four steps in her effort to get obedience.
Step one: Mom tries to convince Johnny why he needs hot mush to get him through the day. Remember what your mother told you hot mush would do inside your body? “It will stick to your ribs!” Have you ever thought about what a three-year-old thinks when he is told hot mush will stick to his ribs? He is not very impressed.
Step two: Mom tries to make the mush taste better. She tries all kinds of concoctions—brown sugar, cinnamon, raisins, honey, maple syrup, and even chocolate chips. Johnny takes another bite and still says, “Yuck! I hate this stuff!”
Step three: Mom tries to teach him a lesson in gratitude. “But Johnny, think of all the children in Africa who are starving to death.” Johnny is still not impressed and replies, “Well, send it to them.”
Step four: Mom is now exasperated and feels that her only alternative is to teach him a lesson for his disobedience. She gives him a spanking and tells him he can just be hungry.
Mom feels good about the way she handled the situation for about thirty minutes before she starts feeling guilty. What will people think when they find out she couldn’t get her child to eat? And what if Johnny is really suffering from hunger?
Johnny plays outside long enough to build up guilt power before he comes in and claims, “Mommy, my tummy is so hungry!”
Mom now gets to give the most fun lecture of all—the “I told you so” lecture. She doesn’t notice that Johnny is staring into space while he waits for her to finish so he can get on with life. Mom feels very good about her lecture. She has now done her duty to let him know how right she was. She then gives him a cracker and sends him out to play again. To make up for the nutritional loss suffered from lack of a good breakfast, she goes into the kitchen and starts fixing liver and broccoli. Guess what lunch will be like?
Product details
- Publisher : Ballantine Books; Updated edition (May 30, 2006)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 384 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0345487672
- ISBN-13 : 978-0345487674
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.14 x 0.79 x 8 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #26,879 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #131 in Aging (Books)
- #160 in Behavioral Sciences (Books)
- #373 in Parenting (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Dr. Jane Nelsen is a California licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author or co-author of 18 books, including Positive Discipline, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, Serenity, and 12 other books in the Positive Discipline Series. Her latest book, Positive Discipline Parenting Tools, was written with two of her children, Mary Nelsen Tamborski and Brad Ainge, who share their examples of using PD. Jane earned her Ed.D. from the University of San Francisco, but her formal training has been secondary to her hands-on training as the mother of seven and grandmother of 22, and great-grandmother to 11. She now shares this wealth of knowledge and experience as a popular keynote speaker and workshop leader throughout the world.
Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book helpful for teaching positive parenting tools and empowering children. They describe it as easy to read and reference, with clear explanations and illustrations. Readers mention that the book helps them manage their responses and gain better ways of dealing with power struggles. The relationship between parents and children is described as respectful and loving. The book offers practical tools and insights that are easily implemented.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers appreciate the positive parenting advice in the book. They say it teaches parents how to empower and encourage their children. The book helps them see discipline in a new way, making a lot of sense. It provides valuable information and suggestions on how to implement this style.
"...education it gives on about a child's emotional needs, it offers the reader unique insight that allows them to increase the quality of interactions..." Read more
"...a good amount of time reflecting back on the beginning in a very helpful way!..." Read more
"...deep into the reasons why children are 'misbehaving' and provides the related solutions. This book provides very thorough knowledge and suggestions...." Read more
"Valuable insight and tools. I would have loved to see more insight into younger children but I guess research is more challenging there’s." Read more
Customers find the book helpful and useful. It helps them be better parents, especially with special needs children. They say the positive discipline techniques are usable and the long-term results are worth it.
"...described in this book in my professional life and have seen tremendous success *especially with special needs children!!!*..." Read more
"...But this book is incredible and I have seen big changes in my kids, and it started with me" Read more
"...book, and the ideas and methods behind Positive Discipline, are totally usable. That's my favorite thing about it...." Read more
"...It doesn't make parenting "easier", but it helps me be a better. loving, and responsible parent so that I can build a life long positive..." Read more
Customers find the book's explanation of positive discipline logical and easy to understand. They appreciate the simple application of the ideas and find the examples helpful. The book takes an in-depth look at why children behave a certain way and is written in an engaging style.
"...The book takes an in-depth look at not only why a child is behaving a certain way, but also how to address the child's (understandably) poorly..." Read more
"...extremely important, and gaining skills in talking about and understanding feelings and how to respond to them (your own and others), a true..." Read more
"...It sounded like a good concept from the title, but I was still in the mindset of giving punishments to try changing behavior...." Read more
"...The application of said ideas is simple and do-able. Most every idea has been very easily incorporated into our lives...." Read more
Customers find the book helpful for managing their responses and gaining positive parenting tools. They say it teaches them different and appropriate methods for dealing with power struggles and communication with kids. The book helps them connect with their kids and raise them in a healthy way.
"...Instead of are you ready for some pizza? Setting non-confrontational expectations works great, but only if you're prepared to follow through:..." Read more
"...For anyone who wants positive parenting tools and wants to raise a strong, independent, confident human 🤘..." Read more
"...An incredible guide to helping connect with your kids, and raise them in a healthy way." Read more
"Absolutely love this book as I navigate through better ways of managing my responses and gain a better understanding of my daughter's...." Read more
Customers find the book helpful for building a respectful and loving relationship with their kids. It helps them set healthy boundaries while loving their kids unconditionally. The book helps them raise responsible, respectful, and confident children.
"...This book teaches us how to raise responsible, respectful, confident and most importantly, happy children!..." Read more
"...Jane’s wonderful advice to reach a mutually cooperative and respectful relationship." Read more
"...firm and want to know how to set healthy boundaries while loving our kids unconditionally. It's a lovely resource." Read more
"...I'm glad I read it. My relationship with my son improved big time." Read more
Customers find the book provides practical tools and insights for parents. They say it's a timeless guide to help raise good humans.
"Valuable insight and tools. I would have loved to see more insight into younger children but I guess research is more challenging there’s." Read more
"...Thanks for a timeless tool in helping raise good humans. Even works with adults...." Read more
"...It's also a great overview of the philosophy and has a lot of practical tools that are easily implemented...." Read more
"...It was very understandable for any parent. With wonderful tips and ideas on how to help, and understand your child." Read more
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Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on March 25, 2016I got this as a required textbook for my child development class and I absolutely loved it. It was an effortless read that left my hi lighter(s) completely dried out from overuse. It is probably one of my favorite non-fiction books, and it's one I still reference with frequency and have even moved cross country with! I have used the methods described in this book in my professional life and have seen tremendous success *especially with special needs children!!!*
It addresses many of the behavioral issues that we (adults and caregivers) are prone to attribute to a child's personality (think "he's a bad kid") or even personal jabs (think "why does my child hate me so much that they would do these things to me?). The book takes an in-depth look at not only why a child is behaving a certain way, but also how to address the child's (understandably) poorly articulated needs which are the crux of behavioral issues. Because of the education it gives on about a child's emotional needs, it offers the reader unique insight that allows them to increase the quality of interactions with children outside of discipline. This holistic approach is why it is incredibly effective. The difference this guide makes would be equivalent to addressing seasickness by simply getting off the boat instead of trying to quell the nausea with moderately helpful off-brand Tums.
- Reviewed in the United States on November 2, 2017This is an instance where it is worth the money to pay for a new copy of the latest edition. As Jane herself has evolved and grown in understanding (the whole point of Positive Discipline, for parents and children both), so has the book. The first part of the newest edition spends a good amount of time reflecting back on the beginning in a very helpful way!
The most popular review of this book on Amazon seriously lacks understanding of what PD actually is. It is NOT just “talking to your kids about their feelings”. While emotional health is extremely important, and gaining skills in talking about and understanding feelings and how to respond to them (your own and others), a true Positive Discipline response does not stop there. PD is solutions based parenting rather than punishment based, that is all. So the first approach to, say, a child not performing a family task required of them (cleaning their room, say) would be—waiting until AFTER all members of the family are calm and rational—A. Validate/understand why they are choosing not to do it, B. State choices within the boundary of getting the task done, then C. If that fails, moving on to a conversation between parent and child, thinking of a solution and agreement that you then HOLD THE CHILD TO until the task is completed, regularly and on time. Being able to say “what was our agreement?” Is not only much more likely to encourage cooperation than lecturing and yellling is (the child herself came up with the rules alongside you!), but it empowers children to understand their own power, ability and responsibilities, giving them that vital sense of purpose and belonging in the family.
If this basic description of how PD works appeals to you, by ALL means buy and read and share this book! I can pretty much promise that actual application of PD will not result in a young person that loses their part-time job because the boss doesn’t care about their “feelings”. 😂
- Reviewed in the United States on July 29, 2024This book is packed with parenting knowledge backed up with researches and studies. It digs deep into the reasons why children are 'misbehaving' and provides the related solutions. This book provides very thorough knowledge and suggestions. I high recommend this book!
- Reviewed in the United States on January 26, 2021Valuable insight and tools. I would have loved to see more insight into younger children but I guess research is more challenging there’s.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 20, 2024This book came undamaged and no misprints
- Reviewed in the United States on August 5, 2016My wife wanted me to read this book that she heard about from a friend of hers. It sounded like a good concept from the title, but I was still in the mindset of giving punishments to try changing behavior.
When reading the book, a lot of it made sense and some of it didn't. I disagreed and even objected when I first read about the "cooling off" period because of the way it was presented compared to my past experience being on the other end in a similar situation. This made more sense later as I continued reading though, and it is the way that it is done that matters.
Since starting to read this book, I have been trying to apply principles that I have learned from it as I see opportunities, and I have seen more positive results from its concepts than my previous practices.
I got more out of the book than just helpful information on how to raise children. I believe a lot of these concepts can and should be applied in many areas of life with friends and co-workers as well.
My final thoughts are that I believe all current parents, parents-to-be, teachers, and even managers should read this book to help others be their best. It is a complete 180 from the way it seems that most children are raised, but is ultimately what each of us were likely striving for through giving punishments. What we are striving for is that we want our children to grow up properly, feeling loved and to have success in all areas of life. That is what this book sets out to achieve, and although we all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, I believe if everyone constantly tried applying these techniques in their daily lives, it truly would make our world a better place.
- Reviewed in the United States on November 27, 2024Love it. I needed it for class. Thank you.
Top reviews from other countries
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Frederic PaquetReviewed in Canada on November 4, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars bien
bien
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AlexReviewed in Germany on August 13, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars Gutes Buch!
Es hat mir gefällt!
- Magic Mark not MikeReviewed in the United Kingdom on October 29, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Thoughtful and actionable
A lot of the information, you think we would/should kind of just know, but answering ourselves honestly, it's amazing how much we say to our own children, just because our parents did it to us. Reminds me of the quote "A fish doesn't realise it's in water". This book helps us take a step back (pulled out of the water), and look at our own behaviours from the perspective of a child.
The book offers a great perspective of how your child can feel in different situations, and will even allow you to be honest with yourself about how you felt in similar situations as an adult or from your childhood.
We have had great success with our children with this book. We have a 1 year old girl and an almost 5 year old boy that has far more repsponsibility in the house than we ever imagined, because he enjoys it. He makes his own breakfast, cracks the eggs, whisks them and knows that if he makes a mess it's OK. He's able to understand when to turn the TV by setting timers for himself, without us needing to demand he turn it off. If we get angry or annoyed, we're better at dealing with those emotions and timing out from each other until we're ready to fix it. It's OK to apologise to your children and admit when we're in the wrong.
I got ratty one day and shouted at him. An hour later I hugged him an apologised and told him that I was in a grumpy mood and that I shouldn't have snapped at him, not because I wanted to forget it, but because I genuinely felt bad... it was instant forgiveness from him. He is able to now do the same, whether with us, or his friends in school.
He has gone from being worried about being shouted at, to knowing it's OK to make mistakes but this book has helped us get to that point, and understand how he may feel in the moment. He feels proud of himself when he does something difficult, and we are able to encourage him entirely through positive discipline. Our daughter, although only 1 is benefitting from having parents who are able to react calmly and rationally, even when she is not. We're in the squealing phase right now, which is frustrating, but by rewarding her good behaviours, she's moving on quickly from the "bad" behaviours.
A really good book, I'd highly recommend it, the birth order is an interesting read too and you will notice this in people you know, but don't go talking to them about it.... some people are (understandably) not interested in you analysing them (I mistakenly brought it up in a conversation with friends, and immediately backtracked out of it!)
Not a book that you need to follow to the letter, more of a guide that you can start implementing little at a time to see the results.
Thank you Dr Jane Nelson for making this information so readily avaialable and easy to digest.
- SheshReviewed in Spain on March 22, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Accessible to all public
Excellent advice, simple to follow and already being put into action and obtaining results with three brothers aged 7,5,3.
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Cliente de KindleReviewed in Mexico on July 14, 2019
5.0 out of 5 stars Excelente
Excelente libro super útil