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Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism Paperback – August 7, 2003
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Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.
- Print length240 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- Publication dateAugust 7, 2003
- Dimensions5.5 x 0.6 x 8.44 inches
- ISBN-100743214285
- ISBN-13978-0743214285
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Editorial Reviews
Review
Drew Pinksy, M.D. A practical and accessible book about one of the most prevalent personality disorders of our time.
Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. coauthor of I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality. People who experience narcissism in themselves or in others now have a guide to help them steer through the storm.
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1: Shamelessness
Stephanie felt the ball leave her racquet cleanly and watched it sail deep into the back court, just inside the baseline. The focus of her attention was split between the path of the ball and her own body mechanics. "Watch the ball," she told herself, "get sideways, hit through, finish up." Forehand after forehand, she repeated her silent mantra until the rhythm of the drill overtook her conscious efforts at control. For a few precious moments, she was in that "zone" that athletes cherish when everything comes together and there are no mistakes.
She was smiling secretly, enjoying a licit high, wondering if her husband, Doug, had also noticed how well she was hitting today, when a heavily underspun return angled into her backhand. She lunged, stabbed, and caught the ball on her racquet rim, sending it flying out of the court. "You never read that spin," Doug scolded from the far court. "Never," Stephanie echoed, suddenly feeling as though she had just blown an internal tire. Pain washed over her and settled in the middle of her chest. She felt too heavy to move her feet, too awkward to connect the racquet at the end of her arm with the small neon projectile hurtling toward her. "I'll never be any good at this game," she thought miserably, smashing the next three balls into the net. The elation of only moments before had evaporated, replaced by a hopeless feeling of ineptitude. Stephanie swallowed the tears rising in her throat and gave herself a mental kick in the backside. "You're such a baby," she muttered to herself as she prepared to pack up and go home. "You wimping out on me again?" Doug called out. He was only teasing, trying to goad her back into the drill, but his words were like salt on a fresh abrasion. There would be no more tennis this day.
Boy, is she touchy, you may be thinking, and you would be right. In my business, we call this a "narcissistic injury," and as trivial as the things that provoke it may seem to an observer, to the injured party, the pain is devastating, as it was for Stephanie in this instance. What seems like a rather mundane occurrence is actually the reopening of a very old wound: a relationship of trust is disrupted by a "misattuned" communication (his criticism colliding with her joy) and, adding insult to injury, Stephanie's trusted husband failed to help make the pain go away. Stephanie's sensitivity, her sudden collapse from a state of pleasure, and her difficulty recovering her emotional balance all point to a very primitive sequence of experiences encoded deep within her psyche, most likely beyond the reach of her conscious memory. It is her hard drive for the emotion of shame.
Shame is among the most unbearable of human feelings, regardless of our age or station in life. Unlike guilt, it speaks not to the misdeed but to the misery of a pervasive personal flaw. We first experience shame in the eyes of our mother or primary attachment figure, when, starting around the age of one, we bring her (usually) our excitement and, instead of sharing our pleasure, she scowls and says, "No!" Her unexpected disapproval shatters the illusion of power and importance that is how we see ourselves at that early age, derived from our union with her. Without warning, we have been ejected from this paradise, and it can only be because we are bad. We feel bad, therefore we are bad.
For some children, this experience, repeated over and over in the course of socialization, is so crushing that they never quite get over it, and they spend their lives avoiding anything that makes them feel ashamed. Recent research in neurobiology has shown that the developing brain is not yet ready to process the intense experience of shame at the age when socialization begins and that the lack of an emotionally attuned parent at this crucial time can actually stunt -- for life -- the growth of the pathways for regulating such profoundly unpleasant emotions. What helps the infant's brain develop properly is for parents to provide what the young brain is not yet able to, the soothing of the very shame they have inflicted.
Catherine is the mother of a vivacious two-year-old who is the apple of her family's eye. When Janey had to share her mother's attention with a visiting infant one day, she expressed her indignance by hitting the baby. Catherine was horrified and scolded her daughter, then sent her to her room in tears of shame. Catherine felt compassion for her daughter, however, and did not let her sit with the humiliation too long. After a few moments, she went to her and said, "It was bad to hit the baby, and you must never do that again. But you are a good girl, and Mommy loves you. Now, let's go say 'I'm sorry' to Betsy," and then she gave her a hug. Together, they returned to the living room and Catherine helped Janey apologize.
When parents do not respond as Catherine did to soothe the shame they inflict, children develop their own means of compensating -- they wall off the intolerable feeling, and they use fantasy to distance themselves from the monster behind the wall. They cling to notions of themselves as special, powerful, or important.
In the Narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means have been developed not to experience it at all. What psychologists call "bypassed shame" looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, blame, or rage. Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms available to process this painful feeling, the shame is directed outward, away from the Self. It can never be "my fault."
I recall one young woman I worked with from her late teens until her mid-twenties. A child of divorce who had been alternately pampered and ignored by her self-centered father, she struggled mightily with chronic feelings of low self-worth. She saw herself as stupid and repeatedly acted out her sense of incompetence. These feelings, however, and the shame that accompanied them, were close to the surface compared with the humiliation she felt at having been rejected and abandoned by her father. The depth of that pain was to be dramatically expressed one day shortly after she learned that he had been diagnosed with cancer. "Just in time for my wedding," she said, her mouth contorting in an ugly sneer. "He's never paid for anything in my life." The specter of his possible death -- the ultimate abandonment -- had pushed her past the shame of inadequacy to a state of congealed rage. She showed not even a hint of embarrassment at the coldness of her outburst, only raw, wounded contempt.
More typically, the shamelessness of the Narcissist comes across as cool indifference or even amorality. We sense that these people are emotionally shallow, and we may think of them as thick-skinned, sure of themselves, and aloof. Then, all of a sudden, they may surprise us by reacting to some minor incident or social slight. When shaming sneaks past the barriers, these "shameless" ones are unmasked for what they really are -- supremely shame-sensitive. That is when you will see a flash of hurt, usually followed by rage and blame. When the stink of shame has penetrated their walls, they fumigate with a vengeance.
Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways -- to face it, neutralize it, and move on as healthier individuals do -- leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behavior of the Narcissist.
Copyright © 2002 by Sandy Hotchkiss
Product details
- Publisher : Free Press; 38025th edition (August 7, 2003)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 240 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0743214285
- ISBN-13 : 978-0743214285
- Item Weight : 6.9 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.44 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #75,298 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #88 in Personality Disorders (Books)
- #220 in Popular Psychology Personality Study
- #455 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Sandy Hotchkiss, PsyD, LCSW, is a psychoanalyst, now living in Arizona and seeing clients only via telehealth. She specializes in the interpersonal aspects of personality disorders and recovery from relational trauma, and is available for consultations as well as teletherapy to patients living in California, where she is licensed.
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Sometimes it seems as if the world is full of selfish people who have no thought for others except how to use them for their own purposes. There have always been vain, uncaring, manipulative characters who have inflated perceptions of themselves and little regard for others.
Their behavior is often reflected in selfishness, conceit, arrogance, grandiosity, posturing, emotional shallowness, envy, contempt, exploitiveness, ego, status seeking, absence of empathy, and poor interpersonal boundaries.
Healthy self-love is the capacity to feel a full range of emotions and share in the lives of others, but yet with the wisdom to separate truth from fantasy and empathy from obligation. Healthy self-love keeps us from cannibalizing ourselves in rescuing others from themselves.
The narcissist recognized as unhealthy is someone who has not yet fully developed emotionally. The person lacks an examined life or an understanding of self and has an inflated ego. In place of accurate examination of one's life and knowledge of one's self, they posture a virtual identity of high status and self-importance.
Healthy self-love is having an examined true self, capable of transcending mere self-interest.
Lacking insight into one's self and a real sense of identity, narcissists often rely instead on their relative value to others, which is often a romanticized delusion, a comparative value rather than an absolute value as understood in a true self-worth.
Narcissists are often plagued by illusion. They see life in a romanticized way and picture themselves as the ideal person. This distorted perspective comes across as a superficial person with a superiority complex. In this, they often carry a self-righteous contempt towards others which is really just a form of hate.
Narcissism is a non-aggressive hate. The person may seem completely non-aggressive, but neither is there an ounce of compassion for anyone else.
The ability to be compassionate, to grasp accurately how another person feels and to empathize in response to that situation requires us to step into the situation and into the person of another. With a narcissist, the lack of concern or even awareness of others' needs, hopes, and circumstances can be truly stunning. Others are not seen as separate entities bound by difficult circumstances, but a mere extension of one's own self and a means for satisfying wants and fulfilling one's own ends.
Those who cannot be used will be discarded. Those who are useful are perceived like parents, as extensions of the Narcissist and treated as if they had no separate existence but are a mere tool for catering to the narcissist's needs and wants.
Narcissists have a pension for oblivious engulfment of others' boundaries. Exploitation takes many forms but ultimately always involves oblivious boundary violations without regard for the person or his needs. It is as if the person has not yet grasped the concept of otherness nor the concept of life as a difficult endeavor or yet grasped compassion for suffering.
Narcissism is a toddler like state known as symbiosis. Symbiosis is the infant's sense of self as merged with the caregiving mother. Even as independent mobility gives the infant physical distance from which to contemplate mother as a separate entity, psychologically she continues to be an extension of him.
This fused sense of self is the essence of narcissism. The person continues through life merely exchanging care givers, oblivious just like the infant to the care givers' needs and only concerned with his own, with an elevated sense of self and contempt for all those not giving into his or her demands.
Narcissists expect others to cater to them without a second thought and have no concept of boundaries. The attachment morphs from a physical clinging to a psychological clinging onto the lives of others as an adult.
Symbiosis and childhood narcissism are supposed to be a transitional phase. But where parents become overprotective of their young and engulf them as an extension of themselves and buffer their children from reality, the phase is continued into adulthood.
When overprotected, the child's perception of life becomes a deluded reality free of all
risk and difficulties. Hence, the person lacks both a sense of life as well as a sense of others. This deluded manifestation reflects itself in lacking of compassion for suffering and lack of respect for autonomy.
In this, all associations with narcissists become impossible relationships. It is as if they view all others as a mere extension expected to cater to their needs while they continue their life in oblivion.
Unreality is the hallmark of narcissism. Whether it is idealization, expectations of perfection, distortions of fact, manufactured versions of self, catastrophizing, denial, scapegoating, exaggeration, or lying.
Shame is among the most unbearable of human feelings. Unlike guilt, it speaks not to a misdeed but to a personal flaw. Narcissism is in part the desire to avoid any reality that would evoke a less than ideal projection of self to others. In the process, only a superficial relationship and a superficial view of the world is possible.
Others are invaded, exploited, or idealized. But never are others seen for who they are. Idealization of others is childlike thinking which poses a potentially dangerous delusion that insists on someone's goodness, or good intentions, when in fact that person is exploitive.
People who tolerate boundary violations are those who were trained as children to accept intrusions and to feel worthy only when meeting their parent's needs.
If we cannot tolerate others' pain, we risk creating an unreal world of indulgence, delusions, and incapacity. Over-identification with others' pain takes away not only from their experience of life and their grasp of life's realities but also deprives them of the skills necessary to keep their pain from reoccurring.
Although it is true that in positions of power, narcissists become egotistical tyrants; narcissistic entitlement and exploitation more often arise out of helplessness and dependency. The more helpless the person, the more entitled he is, and the more dependent, the greater the tyranny of emotional blackmail in compelling others to assume their burdens.
This is the terror of dependency and helplessness. It affects not only the narcissist who wishes to live in a world of perpetual fantasy but also it affects those who enable the fantasies and give harbor to the oblivion.
Do not allow narcissists to manipulate you when they are in power or emotionally blackmail you when they are in dependency. It is up to you to examine your conscience and decide what responsibilities you choose to accept. You must make yourself less vulnerable to resonating with delusions and distortions.
Narcissists remain in a perpetual state of psychological fusion. They do not see themselves as exploiting others but rather they see others as owing them when in power or in the alternative, being responsible for them when in dependency. This is their model for interaction and so they treat people as if they exist only to meet their needs either way, and they have little regard for anyone who can't be used.
Narcissists have no ability to nurture anyone beyond their own genetic self-interest. The only people they can nurture are their love interests if they are men, or their children if they are women. Beyond this, they have no capacity for nurture; only for exploitation.
Likewise, narcissists lack the capacity to respond to compassion with compassion. No amount of compassion can teach them to become compassionate. It is only confrontation with life's realities that can wake them from their fantasies, illusions, and distortions.
Narcissists use others without regard for them or their separateness. They seek to merge and destroy. The sign over their door ought to read: abandon self all ye who enter here.
The fusion delusion seeks the obliteration of another's autonomy and to make them submit to the tyranny of either power or dependency while insisting that the other person is being selfish if they refuse to submit. Thus, coercion becomes the only possible mode of interaction in which one side dominates the other either by power or through dependency.
Healthy people are drawn to the merger aspects of romantic love but they are at once able to both transcend boundaries and maintain them at the same time.
The hallmark of mature love is reciprocity, in which two people have as much regard for each other as they do for themselves. There are neither demands nor imposition, nor a difficulty recognizing someone else's needs or rights, and the idealization is directed towards shared values rather than superficial characteristics.
It sheds light on the essentially insecure personalities that -consciously or not- find ways to dominate, exploit and manipulate those they come into contact with. If you have ever been in one of those roller-coaster hot-and-cold relationship where you inexplicably and alternately felt high, incredibly angry, sucked dry of emotional energy, or confusingly treated with a venom that you never deserved, then this book goes a long way to giving insight as to what is occurring behind the smoke and mirrors.
The style of writing is very succinct, insightful and even subtly amusing in places. This book will appeal to many, not only because it describes an epidemic in our modern society, but also because all of us have at least tiny traces of narcissism.
It has drawbacks however. Some of the processes involved in infant development are not explained well enough for the layman, and some of the terminology is too fluid and over-used, leading to an overall confusion for anyone lacking a PhD in the subject. It becomes somewhat difficult to relate the early and imperceptible micro-development to the devastating adult behavior. There is also an overarching sense of pessimism and lack of empathy. To be fair, most people are unaware of their disorders and had little or no control over the deep-rooted processes that caused them.
As a christian, it is a relief to believe that there is nothing that God cannot heal, neither are any of us without flaw, and that ultimately we should view others with compassion, even when they suffer from obnoxious personality disorders!
Top reviews from other countries
Aber ich kann nur sagen, es erklärt die Grundpfeiler des Narzissmus, von klein auf, aus der Praxis einer Frau und Mutter, aber im Verlauf auch aus der Praxis einer Therapeutin.
Vor allem verständlich und nachvollziehbar, mit Hilfestellungen um sich zu schützen, damit umzugehen und sich nicht in die vergebliche Hoffnung zu verirren, den anderen durch „Aufklärung“ in irgendeiner Weise ändern zu können.
Um mit dem ganz alltäglichen Narzissmus möglichst unbeschadet zurecht zu kommen, ist auch ein Blick auf die eigenen alten Wunden und Anfälligkeiten erforderlich.
Es ist ein wirklich gutes Buch, das viel erklärt und gute Unterstützung bietet.
Ich wünschte, ich hätte es schon viel, viel eher lesen können.
Warum wird es nicht ins Deutsche übertragen?
Enough explication of narcissistic traits without too much psychological jargon. One of the best books I've read on this topic for regular people.